As a result, I was just that a dull Jane. I started going out again with the select friends but to a social club where I could mingle with others and enjoy the music for an evening.
Then disaster struck again. My youngest son died and my oldest son broke his ankle which has had him off work for four months so far. Needless to say that put a crimp in the budget because being the person I am I took on too much and left the fun side of me go back into my shell.
My youngest son is gone a few years now and my oldest step-daughter along with him. I find that I'm not mourning as deeply as I did when my husband passed. I have been able to get myself back into the swing of things so to speak. I went back out to the social club and I bought a ticket for the picnic and went.
I know it sounds callous to say you can't miss what you didn't have, but to be honest I have only been with my son and step-daughter a select few times over the past two decades because of where they were living.
This year my oldest son, who had been fighting diabetes, passed away and I find myself knee deep in grief again. It was a total shock when he went downhill due to undiagnosed MDS, pre-leukemia, in a matter of three months. I live in disbelief that he has gone on to a better life and I am left behind to pick up the pieces. Again I'm working more than I should to keep busy.
I miss them all but I know I have to get on with what is left of my life because there may not be that much of it left. We never know what tomorrow will bring.